Daily Mail Watch: Countdown To Doomsday

X-BOXES A 'RIGHT' FOR PRISONERS SAYS BRUSSELS

Quote Of The Day

"One day you're cock of the walk, the next just a cock."

Piers Morgan

Piers Morgan (unverified but published anyway)

Tip Of The Day

Deter identity thieves from rummaging through your bins by simply making all of your personal details available online.

Fact Of The Day

Nobody knows more about parenting than childless spinster Supernanny

Tip Of The Day

ACHTUNG SCAG HEADS! Don't ask passers-by for 40p to unclamp your car or use the phone.  No! Simply convince people you're not buying Heroin by saying that you're saving for dental work.

Dr Atom: Agony Uncle

Is it cruel to make someone with a stammer say "sudio?"

Richard Dawkins: Guest Editor

"When referring to God, ensure you use an upper case H on all personal pronouns. I once mistakenly used a lower case and my house was plunged into complete darkness, full of frogs, locusts and lice, I had blood coming from the taps and was completely covered in boils... what a day that was."

R.D

Spam Fritters

A recent article in a now defunct newspaper said that benefit fraud costs each household in Britain roughly £44 every week. That's absolute cods-wallop – I'm over 350 quid-a-week up! Yet again these pessimistic, so-called experts get it wrong.

Mr O Blivious

Quiz Show Anecdote Of The Week

Presenter: What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life Contestant?


Contestant: Well Presenter, my dog's got no nose...


Presenter: How does he smell?


Contestant: He doesn't; he's got no nose.


Presenter: Terrible.

Breaking News

FISH DROWNS IN LAKE 

Headlines From Before They Were Famous

FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAM SIR!

• Starr steals student's packed lunch
• Nerd squeals on future 'comedian' 
• School hamster in safe house

Personal Ads

OPINIONATED, belligerent type WLTM dissimilar, for arguments in the park or cosy disagreements on the sofa.


UNHYGIENIC, malodorous, diabetic Prince on a quest for his Princess. She will have a poor sense of smell (preferably suffering from anosmia).

SADISTIC moral idealist, seeks nihilist for bad times.

OBESE, obnoxious, computer nerd, 45, with own basement with super-fast broadband, looking for busty blondes 18-21. Strictly no mingers please.

CRAZY CAT LADY, crazy about cats, looking for crazy cat man. Must be crazy about cats.

SWEET, caring and with a GSOH? Then don't call me.

Daily Mail Watch: Countdown To Doomsday

ASYLUM-SEEKERS IN BRITAIN’S WHEELIE BINS

George Osborne: Autumn Statement Preview

"It's all gone tits up and 99% of you are well and truly f****d.  Not me however, I'm doing fine, absolutely dandy in fact."

The Idiot Box: TV listings from the disgusting future.

7.00pm. Top Gear: Mechaphilia Special. Clarkson and co get right up in the guts of the new Volkswagen Harlett. Some bozo from reality TV is the star in the reasonably priced car. (R)

 

8.00pm. Coach Trip. Guest star Dennis Hopper's ghost plants a bomb under the coach that will detonate if the gang's speed drops below 50mph – will Brendan act in time to save the day?

8.00pm: An explosive episode of Coach Trip as Brendan (left) and guest star Dennis Hopper (Right) go head to head

10.15pm. All Things Nice With Sugar and Spicer. (TV Picks)  Late night verbal exudative-diarrhea with Lord Sugar and Lorne Spicer debating the burning issues of the week.  The team review Deal Or No Deal The Musical (see below).  (Worse than some kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare).

TV Picks: 10.15pm Noel Edmonds gives the banker what for in Deal Or No Deal The Musical

 

11.00pm. Film Première: Gladiator II. Michael Van Wijk (Wolf from Gladiators) stars as Canis Lupus Decimus Medius in this big budget epic. An eccentric professor sends a  bodybuilder from the 1990s to ancient Rome.  Features Ulrika Jonnson, Jeremy Guscott and John Fashanu. Alan Smithee directs.

11.00pm: Film. Michael Van Wijk stars as Canis Lupus Decimus Medius in Gladiator II



Fact Of The Day

Did you know that Willy Wonka suffered from diabetes?

Fact Of The Day

The spelling of the word 'dyslexia' was invented by wacky prankster and sadistically inclined ophthalmologist  Rudolf Berlin in 1887.  Famous fans include Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmunds.  

Daily Sport: From The Archives

POLICE HUNT ON AFTER STRAP-ON GLAMOUR MODEL BUGGERS RAPIST

Daily Mail Watch: Countdown To Doomsday

RED MEAT AND CAFFEINE CAUSES HIGH QUANTITIES OF GAYNESS

Dr Atom: Agony Uncle

When is the right time for a baby to start dating?

Spam Fritters

Had a great bonfire night with the missus, as a couple of WWII enthusiasts we decided to re-enact the final days of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun by living in our cellar all weekend.  Those fireworks really did make us feel like we were in Berlin.  You should of seen the look on my wife's face when I waved my revolver in her face - Priceless!

Mr O Blivious

Daily Sport: From The Archives

TUPAC ALIEN GANGBANG IN ST LUCIA

Daily Mail Watch: Countdown To Doomsday

GIRL THROWS UP ALL LIQUID FROM BODY AFTER HALLOWE'EN STORY GOES WRONG

• Girl also defecates organs, skin transparent
• Teenager arrested, released on bail
• 15 million children diagnosed with diabetes every 1st November

The Daily Mail says: STOP THIS EVIL RITUAL!

A Word Of Advice

People who live in glass houses should throw stones AWAY from their dwellings.

Vince Cable's house

Tip Of The Day

Simulate the cleanliness and multiple sensations of a bidet by staying seated when you flush.

Dr Atom: Agony Uncle

Help! My son asked for a mince pie the other day, should I be concerned?

 

Spam Fritters

I had to laugh the other day - I'd inhaled nitrous oxide

Mr O Blivious

Question Of The Day: What Does It Mean To Be Working Class In Briatin Today?

The most generally accepted definition of working class is the notion proliferated by Britain's most beloved rags The Daily Mail and The Daily Express, though of course stretches much further afield. 

The archetypal working class citizen is defined as “someone of ill repute, work-shy and unlawfully claiming income support, without manners, often northern, a chain smoking, swearing, alcoholic lout, with a minimum of 6 children, the owner of a 32 inch HD TV and whose best clobber is this season's home shirt.”*

*(Information taken from The Daily Mail handbook Apocalypse: Everyone On Disability Benefits Is A Liar, foreword by Richard Littlejohn and is available in all bad book shops) 

Quote Of The Day

"Marriage is the first step towards divorce."

Traditional old wive's tale

Quote Of The Day

"Mother Nature's a f****** whore"

Father Time, 1984